


Carrying the World Is Overrated

by heondreds



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Boy Kang Taehyun, Canon Universe, Coming of Age, Confusion, Feels, Figuring Things Out, First Kiss, Fluff, Kang Taehyun-Centric, Kissing, Kissing Lessons, Light Awkwardness, M/M, Making Out, Plot, Polyamory (kind of), Underage Kissing, thanks kai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24423499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heondreds/pseuds/heondreds
Summary: Taehyun has never been kissed, and it’s not a big deal, honestly - except he finds out his members are a lot more experienced where that sort of thing is concerned, and then he can’t help but feel lacking, somehow.Kai hasn’t had his first kiss either, and comes up with a (not so) simple solution to both their problems.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Kang Taehyun, Choi Yeonjun/Kang Taehyun, Huening Kai/Kang Taehyun, Kang Taehyun/Everyone
Comments: 137
Kudos: 655





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO this is the longest thing i’ve ever written and it’s not even *that* long, like compared to other people’s fics. but i’m proud of it.
> 
> this is all about kissing. it does get pretty spicy, but there’s no hard smut - it just didn’t make sense for the story (and i lowkey hate myself for prioritizing plot but here we are)
> 
> anyway taehyun is the best boy and he deserves all the kisses he wants, let’s get it son

Too shy when he was younger and had trouble making friends. Too busy when he was a trainee and his life was school and practice, nothing else. Too scared now he’s an idol and under constant scrutiny. Anything he does these days could become internet news within the hour, so all things considered it makes sense that Taehyun has never been kissed.

He’s not ashamed of it either. It’s not like he’s _never_ going to kiss someone - there just hasn’t been the right moment for it yet. And in the grand scheme of his life, it hasn’t really made much difference.

There are tons of people just like him, still waiting for their first kiss. It’s not a big deal that he hasn’t had it yet. Still, it’s not something he particularly wants anyone to know about.

☆☆☆

Living with someone perpetually horny like Yeonjun, he’s surprised the topic hasn’t come up sooner. Yeonjun is always thinking about girls and boys and everyone in between, and most days he has only just enough self-awareness to limit the percentage of those thoughts come out of his mouth.

They’re having dinner together, some takeout that a manager had sent over, all crowded together on the floor because they were too lazy to clear a space at their table. The TV is paused while they eat, freeze-framed on a drama, the two leads shooting each other coy smiles in the scene after their first big kiss.

Taehyun never enjoys the first big kiss scene. He’s pleased the characters get together, he’s not a monster, he just doesn’t really need to see it. Usually Taehyun looks away, tuning out the dramatic swell of music and staring blankly at the corner of the screen, or studying the jewelry in the woman’s ear, the sparkling background behind them - looking anywhere that isn’t the point where the two actors connect, and waits for it to be over.

Where do other people look when they watch kiss scenes? Are you supposed to look at the kiss itself, at their lips touching? It seems rude to stare, somehow, inappropriate to linger on an intimate moment like that, even if it’s fake.

Maybe he’s just not a romantic person. Maybe he never grew out of that childish disgust, _eww kissing, gross_. Maybe it’s different, watching it, if you’ve done it yourself. It might be better if you can relate, but Taehyun wouldn’t know. Whatever it is, whatever the reason for his distaste, Taehyun doesn’t make a big deal out of it, just quietly disengages until the scene is over.

Today, when the actors finally collided, the shot was particularly close, beautiful faces almost completely filling the screen, so Taehyun had to look away entirely. Turned away from the screen, his eyes had wandered to the other members, sprawled out across cushions, happily watching the drama play out, none of them looking uncomfortable. The lights were dim enough that none of them noticed his attention shifting, and the kiss was long, unnecessarily drawn out, so Taehyun had ample time to check their reactions.

Soobin was the most predictable, a content smile on his face as the drama warmed his romantic heart, a sweet little gleam in his eyes. Beomgyu wasn’t that invested, maybe a little bored - kinda like Taehyun, but not awkward about watching. It was the same kind of expression he’d have when looking at a scenic establishing shot - pretty and informative, but not particularly thrilling.

Next to him, Yeonjun was focused. Mouth slightly open, eyes flickering, probably scanning the screen like he couldn’t decide what to focus on - back and forth between the man and the woman, from their eyes to their mouths to his hand on her cheek. Taehyun wanted to know what Yeonjun was seeing, wanted to know what it was that had him so immersed. How different was it to whatever Taehyun saw? Is that how you’re supposed to watch kiss scenes?

He looked over at Kai last, the youngest lounging in a sort of plushie fort he’d refused to let any of the other members into. Kai used to wrinkle his nose at romance, cringing and whining and complaining, voicing what Taehyun had been keeping to himself. But Kai had been silent this time, Taehyun only realizing that fact as he stared at the younger, studying the fist pressed absently against his mouth. He was looking rapt and starry-eyed, just as focused as Yeonjun on the couple on screen.

 _That’s new_ , Taehyun had thought, recognizing curiosity shining on the younger’s face. Then Kai’s expression changed, a slight widening of his eyes that looked too close to longing for Taehyun to handle. He quickly looked away, back at the screen just as the actors pulled apart.

Now, Kai has been unusually quiet since they paused the show, when Soobin got up for their food and they shuffled into a wonky semi-circle on the floor to eat together. Kai’s pushing the food around his bowl, mouth twisting at the corners until Soobin, ever attentive, nudges him and asks what’s wrong. Taehyun’s not all that surprised when Kai looks up, straight at their oldest, and asks a question that sounds particularly stupid, given what they all know about Yeonjun.

“Hyung, you’ve… kissed someone before, right?”

Yeonjun stops, noodles halfway to his mouth, and splutters out a slightly affronted laugh.

“What? _Yes!_ Of course I have, dummy, why would you even ask?”

Beomgyu’s sniggering next to him, pleased by the drama and the prospect of teasing someone tonight. Even Soobin is grinning, probably amused by the innocence of their maknae. Taehyun keeps his head down.

Kai shrugs, pouting for sympathy. “ _I_ haven’t.”

There’s an eruption of coos that makes Taehyun flinch, cries of _“baby!”_ and _“so cute!”_ and _“of course baby hasn’t kissed anyone!”_ , and Soobin’s petting Kai’s hair and Beomgyu’s making kissy faces and Yeonjun has his arms tucked to his chest, shaking his fists like he’s a girl group idol. Taehyun brings his bowl closer to his face and takes another bite, tries to disappear.

“So what,” Kai tries, food forgotten on the floor as he crosses his arms, glaring ineffectually at each of his cackling hyungs, “you _all_ have?”

Yeonjun laughs again, whole face lighting up as he takes that as an invitation, finally being granted permission to start a parade through everyone’s sexual exploits. He starts with himself, gleefully detailing the various girlfriends he had at school and the one almost-boyfriend he had too, and brags about how fast they all let him get to second base and how he was even the first of his friends to get to third base. He talks about the spin-the-bottle game in middle school where he kissed absolutely everyone in the circle on a dare, and which of them let him kiss them again afterward. Then he’s positively beaming as he says how he fucked a trainee from another company at a friend’s party a few months before debut, and now they have a regular thing - which is where he usually goes when he tells them he’s _“meeting a friend”_ , and he’s been absolutely dying for the opportunity to tell them all about it. He says he’s sworn to secrecy, since they’ve both debuted now and they’re _professionals_ , so he won’t say who it is, but that doesn’t stop Beomgyu immediately pestering him for details.

Yeonjun avoids revealing anything else by turning the conversation to Beomgyu, getting him to spill how he’d dated a girl back in Daegu right before he transferred, how they used to make out in her bedroom when her parents thought they were studying. Beomgyu smirks back at Yeonjun as he shares how he too had been quite successful in a game of spin-the-bottle, and even more successful in more than a few rounds of seven minutes in heaven.

Then they turn on their leader, who has been weakly protesting the whole discussion up to this point. He’s reluctant to share, but apparently he and Yeonjun had talked about it before because Yeonjun is almost proudly telling them that _even Soobin_ had dated a girl for about a week in middle school, one of the most popular, prettiest girls in school, until her parents unceremoniously broke them up one evening after he walked her home, saying he was distracting her from her schoolwork.

“We only went on two dates, hyung,” Soobin says, bashful, ears red from the attention and the conversation in general.

“But you kissed her?”

“I mean, yeah, of course.”

Taehyun’s twirling the noodles around his bowl and still keeping his head down, trying to blend into the background, but he knows there’s only one direction left for this conversation to turn.

“Taehyun?”

Taehyun looks up at Yeonjun, tries not to look too startled. He shrugs, vague and dismissive, praying that will be enough of an answer.

But Yeonjun sucks in a breath through his teeth, tilts his head as he peers at Taehyun. “Y’know, I’ve never heard Taehyun say anything dates or girls or kissing, like, ever. You’ve done it, right?”

Taehyun blinks, mind empty of any acceptable answers to that question. Yeonjun’s gaze sharpens, something starting to dawn on him as he studies Taehyun, but Soobin cuts him off with a scoff, noble but misguided.

“Of course Taehyun’s had his first kiss, hyung, look at him.”

Beomgyu gasps and rounds on him, grinning like a shark. “Who was it?”

Taehyun just shakes his head, feeling his face turning red. Yeonjun opens his mouth again, to prod, pry, dig deeper into Taehyun’s business, but he’s stopped once more by Soobin’s protective blurting.

“See? Most people don’t kiss and tell, Choi Yeonjun!” he says, smacking Yeonjun’s arm.

“Hey! I barely told anything!”

Then the two dissolve into bickering, sniping about Soobin being a prude or Yeonjun being too vulgar ( _“I could have said a lot more, Soobin-ah”_ ), Beomgyu’s head snapping between the two of them like he’s watching a tennis match, utterly delighted.

Taehyun thinks it’s forgotten, he’s escaped Yeonjun’s questioning, and suppresses a sigh of relief as he looks away from the hyungs. He goes back to eating his now lukewarm meal, but soon feels the tingle of eyes on him again. He looks up to find Kai staring at him, unashamed and oddly intense. He seems… curious, again, inquisitive where he shouldn’t be. They make eye contact across their little semi-circle, and usually it’s okay but right now it’s too much. Taehyun takes a deep breath and turns back to his food.

☆☆☆

After the meal, when all the bowls and trash are cleared away, Yeonjun checks his phone and announces he’s going out for the evening - meeting a friend.

(Beomgyu snickers, “Meeting your fuck buddy?” Yeonjun slaps him on the back of the head but doesn’t confirm or deny, just smirks as he grabs his jacket and says he’ll be back later.)

The rest of them settle back in to finish watching their drama, but Taehyun’s seen enough. They wave absently as he excuses himself to go hide in his bedroom, not even bothering to turn on the lights before he sprawls himself out on his bed. He means to do something, read a book or play on his phone, but he finds himself just lying there in the dim light from the streetlamps outside, staring up at the ceiling, mind loud with everything the others had shared.

They’re experienced, a lot more experienced than he’d thought. Taehyun can’t quite believe it - how did they find time, in between school and studying and training and training and training? He knows firsthand how hard Yeonjun works, how much effort he’s always put into dance and vocals and preparing for the evaluations. But he still goes out, to parties, always has. He meets people and hangs out with them and gets close enough to kiss them and more. So why doesn’t Taehyun?

He’s been too busy. That’s it for him, right? Too busy? That’s why he hasn’t done anything the others have - no time for it.

But he has time now, doesn’t he? He’s not doing anything right now, and Yeonjun’s out there probably on his way to get laid tonight, with someone apparently just as busy as he is. It can’t be time, then.

Does he just not want to? He’s never really thought about it, starting up a relationship. It’s always seemed like something he would do later, something he would grow into wanting. But surely he’s old enough now, looking at how early the others had started. He should have grown into it by now, right? Kai’s the same age, younger even, and he’s figuring it out now. Why hasn’t Taehyun?

So maybe he _has_ grown into it. Maybe he did a long time ago, but just doesn’t want it. But if he doesn’t want it, then why does he suddenly feel like a failure, like he’s fallen behind somehow? Is there something wrong with him?

The door creaks open, and Taehyun feels a little cold, sunken into himself as he tips his head to see who’s coming in.

It’s Kai, of course it is. He pushes the door open far enough to see Taehyun, then just stands in the doorway, staring again.

Taehyun sniffs, irritated. He knew Kai would want to talk more, but he was hoping for some more time to collect his thoughts. The drama hasn’t even finished yet, so Kai’s out here missing the ending. Couldn’t he just wait?

“What?” Taehyun says, a bite in his voice that he’s too tired to hold back. Kai is unfazed, though, and gets straight to the point.

“About earlier, have you really?”

“Have I really what?” Playing dumb rarely works, he knows, but there’s still a chance Kai will get the hint.

He doesn’t. “Have you really kissed someone before?”

Taehyun groans, throws his arm over his eyes and feels exhaustion deep in his bones. “Shut up, Kai.”

“Have you?”

“I said shut up, Kai.”

“But have you?”

Can’t this kid leave him alone? Why does he need to know? Taehyun knew he’d be giving up a degree of privacy when he became an idol, sharing so much with the fans and so much more with the four other boys he spends basically every waking moment of his life with. But surely there should be some things he’s allowed to keep to himself?

And suddenly Taehyun doesn’t care about lying anymore. Kai only wants an answer, it doesn’t matter whether it’s true or not. He can say whatever he wants, then Kai will leave him alone.

He still can’t look at the younger, though, as he says, “ _Yes_ , alright? Yes, of course I have.”

Kai’s quiet for a while. He probably didn't expect that answer, if the look he was giving Taehyun during dinner meant anything. But it’s an answer anyway. Taehyun lets himself think, for a second, that it’s over.

“Who?”

“What?”

“Who was it? Who did you kiss?”

Taehyun grits his teeth, peers out at Kai from under his arm. “None of your business.”

Kai’s still in the doorway, leaning comfortably, fingers curled around the doorframe and smiling at Taehyun like he’s about to hear a bedtime story. Pale light is spilling in from behind him, and he’s got that same starry look in his eyes as before. It makes Taehyun’s stomach twist.

“Do I know them?”

“No, you don’t know them.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s none of your business.”

Kai’s smile slips into a pout. “Come on, hyungie,” he whines, pushing off from the doorframe, taking a step into the room. “Tell me.”

“No.”

“Please?”

Kai takes another step in, approaching Taehyun slowly, gently - nothing out the ordinary, but he still feels cornered, somehow. Taehyun sighs, unwilling to surrender, but there’s a sense of inevitability about it all. He sits up on the bed, swings his legs over the side and looks over at Kai, thinking if he engages, pays attention to him but deflects just right, then the younger’s curiosity will be sated and he will be left alone. He turns the questioning toward Kai.

“Why do you want to know?”

The younger’s pout deepens, lips pursing into an adorable little grimace as he thinks. “I’m just curious,” he says, shrugging. “I’ve never kissed anyone. I don’t know… I just want to know, I guess.”

Taehyun shrugs back. “It’s no big deal.”

If Taehyun listens, he can hear the drama playing in the background, the melody of the omnipresent OST, the low murmur of Beomgyu making a joke and Soobin’s answering dorky giggle. It sounds like fun. Why isn’t he out there with them? Kai takes another step toward him.

“I think it would be nice. Kissing.”

“Mm. Sure.”

“Taehyun?”

“What?”

Kai’s right in front of him now, legs bumping against his, and then he’s leaning down into Taehyun’s space. When did he get so close?

“Will you teach me?”

Taehyun frowns, caught off guard. “Huh?”

“Teach me how to kiss.”

He’s serious, face level and earnest as he proposes it, without a hint of shame or shyness. Taehyun’s gaze flicks down to Kai’s lips, against his will, purely accidental. They look soft, pink, it would be easy, he could-

Taehyun blinks, hard, like that will flush the thought out of his head. Why is he thinking about kissing Kai? What’s wrong with him?

“What? No, Kai.”

The pout is back, sweet and pure, and Taehyun feels it again, that dangerous pull to look, to let his gaze fall and consider the terrible idea the maknae is proposing.

But he can’t. He keeps his eyes up - though it’s not much better, looking into Kai’s eyes instead. There’s a little sparkle in them, an intensity Taehyun has never had directed at him before, from Kai or anyone. Taehyun feels trapped.

“Please, hyungie?”

Kai’s voice is soft, a little whiny, and he moves even closer. Kai is big, much bigger than him, Taehyun realizes with a jolt as Kai sets his knees on the bed, either side of Taehyun, straddling his lap. Taehyun’s stomach is in knots, gazing up at Kai looming over him. His heart is thumping, warm all over. Is it nerves, is he nervous? Why is Kai making him nervous? What’s happening?

This was a mistake, from the start. He should have been honest, when Yeonjun asked, accepted the teasing instead of whatever this is, whatever Kai’s asking of him. He shouldn’t have let it get this far, even though there’s no way he could have guessed it would have come to this.

And Taehyun knows, now, the way to get out of this, go back to normal. When he speaks, it’s hoarser than he thought, barely a whisper.

“I can’t teach you.”

Kai sits back slightly, a kind of wariness coloring his pout. “Why not?”

“Because…” Taehyun starts, swallows hard. What does it matter? “I don’t know how.”

Kai frowns, silent for a moment as he processes. “But you said-”

“I lied, Kai. I didn’t think it mattered.”

Kai hums, nods his head as he mulls it over, not at all shocked or upset. And Taehyun’s a little irritated, irrationally, at how quickly Kai just accepts it this time, how little he minds that Taehyun lied to him. But of course Kai would accept it, because they’re in the same situation. They’re both equally inexperienced, why wouldn’t Kai understand?

And now Taehyun’s struggling to remember why he didn’t want to tell Kai in the first place. What did it matter if Kai knew he hadn’t kissed anyone either? He didn’t have anything to prove, not to him. Not to anyone. Why did Taehyun lie, again?

“So,” Kai says, finally. Taehyun’s mind had wandered, but snaps back with a gasp that catches in his throat as Kai leans back into his space, grin sharp and cheeky in that way it always is when he’s causing trouble. “Let’s learn together, then.”

“What?” Taehyun is so tired of asking. He shakes his head, leans back on his hands to put some space between them, but Kai just follows him, keeps him caged in.

“We can teach each other,” Kai says, and Taehyun thought the younger was eager before, but this is something else. Kai puts a hand on Taehyun’s shoulder, strokes down to his chest, fists his fingers gently in Taehyun’s shirt - it’s a move he pulls when he’s trying to act cute, get them to buy him snacks, but this time it makes Taehyun shiver, skin tingling under the heat of Kai’s palm. “Please let me kiss you. I really want to kiss you, Taehyun.”

Taehyun’s mouth is dry, mind filled with static. Kai wants to kiss him? Since when? He’s feeling hot, full to the brim and jittery, like he’s about to go on stage. Kai’s still looking at him, honest and intense and so so close. Taehyun can feel the younger’s breath on his face, and he can’t think, doesn’t want to think as his eyes flick back down to Kai’s lips, plush and pink and right there. And available, apparently. He could.

He could. He shouldn’t. They shouldn’t. But still.

“Okay,” he finds himself saying, watching hazily as Kai’s lips part into a smile, giddy and so cute. Kai laughs, slightly too loud, a nervous giggle that Taehyun’s heard so many times before, but it means something else now. Kai shuffles, moves in, and Taehyun closes his eyes.

He doesn’t know how to prepare for this, a kiss. Doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. But he doesn’t have time to prepare anyway, because his eyes close and then there’s a light pressure on his mouth, soft lips against his, finally.

It’s… nice, his first kiss. Warm, delicate, airy. But it’s over almost as soon as it begins, soft pressure receding until his eyes blink open, meeting Kai’s just inches away. There’s a beat where nothing happens, the reality of the situation struggling to sink into Taehyun’s ruffled mind.

Then Kai doesn’t ask before moving back in, meeting Taehyun’s lips again, pressing harder. Oh, it’s better like this, Taehyun thinks, better the second time. He should move his mouth, right? A little? He tries, purses his lips just a fraction, scared to do more, scared to embarrass himself.

But it appears to be the right thing to do. Kai huffs, in surprise probably, but then he’s copying the motion, lips moving against lightly Taehyun’s. Is this what they’re supposed to be doing? It’s still shy, chaste, both of them figuring it out, not accustomed to the action or each other, not like this. But it’s nice, undeniably nice.

With his eyes closed, Taehyun’s world is narrowed to the touch on his lips and his own heartbeat and Kai, the heat coming off him. Taehyun is acutely aware that it’s Kai, his Kai, up against him, all around him. He smells familiar, like soap and laundry detergent, like huddling together on the couch to watch a movie, and Taehyun holds his breath, arms tense where he’s holding himself up, stomach tight.

And he doesn’t want to think, doesn’t want to figure anything out right now. He just chases what feels good. Kai does the same. The younger’s weight shifts over his lap, shuffling closer. How much closer can he get?

Kai’s taking the lead, always the most eager, and he puts a hand on Taehyun’s cheek to tilt his head, give them both better access, deepen the kiss even further. Taehyun feels a jolt, a tingling shudder run through him as he’s manhandled, even so minutely, and wow, Taehyun doesn’t know why but that was _hot_.

He makes a noise. He can’t pinpoint whether it was a hum or a moan - god, he hopes it wasn’t a moan - but whatever it is makes Kai stiffen, pull back. His eyes are wide, startled when Taehyun dares to look, heart thumping with the thought that that’s it, he’s gone too far, ruined it.

It’s the opposite. “Was that…” Kai starts, pauses to lick his lips, and as Taehyun tracks the motion he thinks his insides might be on fire. “Was that good?”

“Yeah,” Taehyun breathes, embarrassingly fast, and before he has a chance to second-guess himself, “do it again.”

Kai’s laugh is still giddy, full of a jittery energy, but it’s quiet, more like a puff of air, and Taehyun can’t get Kai’s mouth back on his fast enough.

Kai can follow an order, hand coming straight back to Taehyun’s face as their lips meet once more. He holds firmer onto his jaw, fingertips digging into his cheek as he tilts Taehyun’s head again, and that was definitely a moan this time, but it only seems to encourage Kai. Soon the younger’s tongue is flicking out, touching the seam of Taehyun’s lips, and Taehyun’s heard about this bit, knows what to do. He parts his lips easily, so Kai can lick into his mouth.

It’s different, wetter, too intimate and so, so much. He’s never tasted anyone before, obviously, but it’s simultaneously something new and exactly what he expected. Kai tastes sweet, slightly sticky, maybe tangy, like the Sprite he had at dinner. Taehyun meets Kai’s tongue with his own, licks against it shyly, and Kai answers back with his own noise, deep and low and straight into Taehyun’s mouth, and Taehyun is gone.

He finds he wants to fall back onto the bed, let Kai follow after him, drag him down to lie against him, cage him in with his elbows either side of his head, surround him, press him into the mattress, kiss him until he can’t breathe and then some.

But that- they can’t do that.

Hands light on Kai’s chest, Taehyun pushes ever so gently until Kai reacts, pulls away, sits back and allows some distance between them. He looks dazed, breath a little frazzled, eyes lidded, a pink blush across his cheeks, lips red and swollen. Taehyun did that. It looks good on him, but that thought just sets Taehyun’s resolve to stop this, before it goes too far.

“We-” Taehyun starts, but noise from outside cuts him off. Voices, footsteps - the drama must have ended, Soobin and Beomgyu moving around, looking for something else to do. They could walk in any second. They need to stop.

Kai hears them too and reacts swiftly, climbing off Taehyun, off the bed and staggering away on shaky legs into the middle of the room, a respectable distance away. When did it get so hot in here? The skin under Taehyun’s collar is warm, he knows he’s flushed all the way up his neck, cheeks burning. He knows he was affected by the kiss, the several kisses, but he hadn’t realized just how much until he has time, space to process. He’s not hard, but he could be, could have been if they’d gone on a little longer, gone a little further.

Kai’s stopped just by the door, running a hand through his hair, puffing out his cheeks, flapping the hem of his shirt and trying to cool off, like getting rid of the physical heat will take care of the internal heat too. The arousal.

Neither of them could explain their appearance if one of the others walked in. Taehyun resists the urge to set his head between his knees. It’s not a big deal.

They’re quiet, catching their breath, listening to Beomgyu humming a song from the drama, the kitchen faucet running, then Soobin’s voice raises, calling out for Kai - _you missed the ending, let hyung tell you what happened_.

“Coming, hyung!” Kai calls back, and he still sounds a little strained, shaky. He clears his throat, looks back at Taehyun for the first time since they separated. Taehyun keeps his face carefully blank, but he knows Kai sees right through him.

“That was…” Kai says, stops to swallow, flicks his gaze away as the awkwardness of eye contact overwhelms him. It makes Taehyun’s stomach twist again, hard and cruel this time, but when Kai looks back, he’s smiling. “Thank you, Taehyun,” he says, and it’s so genuine Taehyun swears his stupid heart skips a beat.

Squashing it down, deep down, he nods. “No problem.”

After all, what are friends for?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> best boy 1 + best boy 2

They keep their distance the next day. Taehyun doesn’t know if he started avoiding Kai first and the younger played along, or if the decision was entirely mutual, but they don’t spare a glance at each other in the morning. They silently agree to only interact when absolutely necessary, and even then they can’t quite look each other in the eye. They spend the day with the other members as a buffer between them - Taehyun sticks to Beomgyu, Kai sticks to Soobin - and if the others notice, they don’t say anything, making it so easy for Taehyun to pretend he hadn’t just, what, _made out_ with their maknae the night before.

It’s the day after that, though, when they’re at their practice room in the morning, about to start filming some games for VLIVE, and avoiding each other won’t work anymore because they have to look like they’re friends for the camera, for the fans. And they _are_ still friends. For so, so many reasons, they have to be.

Kai follows Taehyun into the bathroom a few minutes before they start, and Taehyun turns around, prepared to tell Kai to forget about all it, or it happened but it isn’t a big deal, that they made a mistake but need to be professional about it. But Kai shuts the door gently behind him, body held with the same kind of confidence he only really gets on stage, and says, “I still want to practice.”

Taehyun doesn’t hesitate. “Me too.”

They never define any rules, but again they both have an unspoken understanding - they won’t let things go as far as the first time. They keep it soft, sweet, back to the basics they only just learned, just lips, tongues, hands where they’re supposed to be, pulling apart when things get too hot.

It becomes a thing, something they do. They skip out on movie nights at the dorm, make excuses to stay home, slip into bathroom stalls, storage closets, anywhere they can spare a few minutes together before it gets weird that they’ve been gone for so long. And they’re roommates, too, so they have uninterrupted, unquestioned time in the evenings to do whatever they want.

Taehyun likes the feel of Kai’s lips on his, likes having his body so close. He likes the warmth that comes off him, how Kai’s arms wrap around him and he feels hidden behind his broad shoulders. Kai likes when he can get Taehyun in his lap, picking him up and pulling him wherever he wants, holding his smaller body close.

“This is just practice,” Taehyun reminds him, as Kai’s hands settle on his waist, thumbs rubbing circles into his tummy. Kai nods, tips his head back for another kiss, opens his mouth so easily under Taehyun’s.

It’s good, but the others are starting to get suspicious.

“What are you two doing together?” Soobin asks finally, one day, fake exasperated as Kai once again declines his invitation to watch TV together. It’s the drama Kai used to be obsessed with, but now he’s fine just getting the synopsis from Soobin afterward. He has more entertaining things to do, after all.

“Maknae stuff,” Kai says, quite seriously. It gets a fond little laugh and no further questions - as long as they’re all getting along and their work doesn’t suffer, Soobin’s fine respecting their privacy. But for the others, the usual excuses are losing their power. Beomgyu starts inviting himself along when they say they’re off to play video games again, Yeonjun starts stopping them running off to the practice room after hours, pinning them to the couch instead because they’ve _practiced too long already_.

And honestly, he’s right. Taehyun knows it’s gone on for too long, if it ever should have started in the first place. He has to put a stop to it - or at the very least cut the frequency right down. It’s not normal, two friends doing this, is it? He’s not dating Kai, he’s never considered dating Kai. They don’t do anything romantic, they just kiss. Friends don’t do that, and they definitely don’t do it as much as he does with Kai. He went eighteen years without kissing, so why is he so obsessed with it now? Why can’t he stay away?

They don’t really talk about it. There are never any words as Taehyun tugs Kai down by the collar or Kai cups his hand around Taehyun’s jaw, pulling each other in. It’s still never gone any further than just kissing, but sometimes Taehyun thinks if they keep going, if they keep doing this, then maybe it might.

They should talk about it, shouldn’t they?

☆☆☆

Yeonjun corners him, alone one night. It’s right after Taehyun’s let Kai push him up against the bathroom door, after they finished brushing their teeth, and kiss him until his knees felt weak.

He’s in the kitchen getting water before bed, the room dim and quiet, and he doesn’t even hear Yeonjun come in but suddenly the older has taken the glass from his hand, spun him around and boxed him against the counter, arms firm either side of him so he can’t slip away.

“What are you and Kai doing?”

“Nothing,” Taehyun answers, automatic after days (weeks?) of questioning. “Just hanging out.”

Yeonjun sighs, mouth twisting.

“Listen, I know.” He sounds disappointed, a true disapproving older brother. “I’m not an idiot, I know what this means,” he says, and taps a finger against Taehyun’s still swollen bottom lip.

Taehyun forgets to breathe out, just for a second. They should have learned, after that first night, that kissing leaves evidence. Still, Taehyun sets his jaw and tries to look defiant, not guilty.

Yeonjun tilts his head, puppy curious but his eyes are sharp. “Are you dating?”

“No.”

“Are you fucking?”

“What? No, hyung, _no_ ,” Taehyun gasps, hitting Yeonjun on the shoulder, face flushing red. How could he even suggest that?

“You’re kissing,” Yeonjun says, stating a fact, undeterred. Taehyun doesn’t reply, so he continues. “Why are you and Hyuka kissing?”

There’s nothing wrong with it, nothing to be shy about. “Teaching.”

Yeonjun’s eyes widen, probably not expecting that answer. He’s still too close to Taehyun, close enough Taehyun has nowhere to look but at the older’s face. His lips are full, naturally pouty. Taehyun’s started thinking about stuff like that lately.

“You’re teaching him to kiss?”

That’s one part of it, definitely. Taehyun nods, and tries not to stare too hard as those pouty lips fall open in shock.

“No way,” Yeonjun says. “Is he good?”

“Hyung.”

“Wow, our little Hyukie, all grown up.”

Taehyun’s hoping he’ll back off now. He’s got his answer, he knows their secret, there’s nothing left to say. But of course it never works out that way.

Yeonjun doesn’t move away. He’s still got him trapped, the counter digging into the small of his back, and if anything Yeonjun shuffles closer now, a new darker gleam in his eyes.

“Show me.”

“What?”

“Show me what you’re teaching Hyuka, I wanna know.”

Is he serious? “Hyung?”

Yeonjun grins, pouty lips pulling up, and it’s the same grin he pulls for the camera, the same teasing, sultry look that normally makes Taehyun cringe, but now it does something else, something hot and liquid down in his stomach. Taehyun blinks, mouth dry.

“Come on,” Yeonjun says, voice lower. “You’re kissing Kai, kiss me too.”

He’s… got a point. He kisses Kai and it means nothing. It hasn’t changed their relationship, and after that first day hasn’t made things uncomfortable between them. If anything, they’ve gotten closer, more cohesive as a pair, stronger teamwork. What’s the harm in kissing Yeonjun, too?

Except it’s scary, different, because Yeonjun knows so much. Figuring it out with Kai is one thing, but the thought of kissing Yeonjun - experienced, expert kisser Yeonjun - is daunting. It feels like a test, somehow, something he could fail, expose himself as a novice, open himself up to scorn and teasing.

“Please, Taehyunnie?” Yeonjun says, and Taehyun’s looking into his eyes and he realizes this is Yeonjun, his hyung, who has never judged him before and would never hurt him. It’s just a kiss. And it’s experience too, isn’t it?

Taehyun leans forward and kisses Yeonjun in the kitchen. Instantly it’s new - his plump lips feel utterly different against his own, utterly different to Kai’s but somehow just as perfect. And Yeonjun’s a good kisser, no doubt. He responds immediately, eager but soft, delicate like he knows exactly how much of a rookie Taehyun is at this.

He’s letting Taehyun take the lead, following his motions, only opening his mouth when Taehyun can’t keep it chaste any longer. Taehyun’s hand reaches up to rest on Yeonjun’s plush cheek, and he’s pliant while Taehyun deepens the kiss, lets Taehyun suck on his bottom lip and lick into his mouth. He tastes minty, fresh and intoxicating.

Taehyun’s reluctant to pull away, keeps the kiss going as long as he can, until he’s running out of breath. Yeonjun’s lips are slightly swollen when they part, spit-slick and red. He’s catching his breath, they both are, and Taehyun’s eyes track the flash of the older’s tongue as he licks his shiny lips clean.

“Good job,” Yeonjun says, voice hoarse the same way Kai’s is after they kiss, if it’s a particularly good one.

And this wasn’t a performance, Taehyun doesn’t need Yeonjun’s approval but he finds himself asking, “It was okay?”

Yeonjun nods, swallows what Taehyun realizes must be some of his own spit in the older’s mouth, tongue coming out again, just for a second. “I liked it.”

Taehyun wants to go in for another kiss, desperately, right now while Yeonjun is still so close. He’s startled by how much he wants it. But then Yeonjun straightens up, arms dropping to set Taehyun free, and suddenly there’s space between them, atmosphere dropped like it was never there.

“If you ever want to learn more,” Yeonjun says, “let me know. That was fun.”

And he leaves the room without a second glance, infuriatingly casual, leaving Taehyun in the dark, still leaning against the counter. And Taehyun stays there, feeling his lips tingling and the butterflies in his stomach, and wonders what he’s gotten himself into.

☆☆☆

He tells Kai about kissing Yeonjun the next day. He stays out in the kitchen long enough that Kai is fast asleep when he finally heads to their room, something Taehyun is silently thankful for. He feels a little guilty, kissing Yeonjun - is it cheating, when he and Kai aren’t in a relationship? It seems dishonest, maybe, something they should have talked about beforehand.

But again, they don’t really talk, do they? Not about this, whatever this is. It’s hard to shut his brain off that night, as it so often is when he thinks about Kai and the stupid, possibly dangerous thing they keep doing.

They’re supposed to be getting ready to head out to practice the next morning - Soobin will scold them for not having their shoes on by the time the van comes - but Taehyun finishes packing his bag and lets Kai pull him onto his lap, resting his arms easily on Kai’s shoulders, Kai’s hands warm on the back of his thighs. It’s so routine at this point, the way they always come together, that Kai is surprised when Taehyun doesn’t immediately move in for the kiss that he so obviously wants. But it’s important that Kai knows, somehow, before the two of them do anything else.

His palms are sweating as he tells Kai about last night, about Yeonjun cornering him and getting the truth about the two of them - how Yeonjun had reacted, had asked Taehyun to kiss him too, and how Taehyun _had_. Then his voice falters, shrinks a little quieter as he tells Kai that he had enjoyed it, a lot, because it’s somehow important that Kai knows that too.

He had nothing to worry about. Kai listens intently, patiently, and there’s a grin spreading on his face with every word Taehyun says, that little starry look back in his eyes when Taehyun finishes.

“Wow,” he says, hands flexing on Taehyun’s thighs, kneading the muscle. “Yeonjun-hyung? Was he good?”

Taehyun scoffs, twirls his fingers around the long hair at the back of Kai’s head. “You two must be telepathic or something, that’s exactly what he asked about you.”

Kai’s grin grows. “What did you tell him?”

Taehyun slaps him on the arm, nose scrunching, and makes to climb off his lap. But Kai holds firm, pulls him back with a laugh (and Taehyun was never going anywhere, anyway).

“Sorry, sorry Hyunnie,” he says through his giggles, and tips his head back so sweetly, lips parted, eyes lidded and warm in a way that just a few weeks ago Taehyun never would have guessed he’d find completely irresistible.

Taehyun was supposed to be stopping this, wasn’t he? Or slowing it down. He should be drawing some boundaries, especially after what happened with Yeonjun, but those thoughts all disappear when suddenly his eyes are closed and Kai’s lips are on his, again.

Kai hums when they separate. “Did you learn something from just one kiss? That was good.”

“Shut up,” Taehyun says, the heat missing from his words and instead gathering on his cheeks. Had he really gotten better?

This time he does climb off Kai, but it’s okay. Kai doesn’t mind that he kissed Yeonjun, didn’t seem upset or jealous or anything. Nothing seems to have changed between them. They’re still friends, the arrangement still works. Taehyun feels lighter, calmer with the assurance that he was worried about nothing.

Soobin yells for them, and they shoot each other little sheepish smiles as they prepare to be told off for being late.

☆☆☆

Things with Kai are the same, but things with Yeonjun have changed. It’s not exactly awkward, but it’s... full-on. Yeonjun’s a lot more forward with his attraction, and Taehyun can’t exactly say he’s surprised, knowing his hyung so well. Yeonjun keeps smirking whenever Taehyun meets his eye in the practice room mirror, makes excuses all day to stick close to him, even shoots him winks and finger hearts when the others aren’t looking - and a few times when they _are_ looking, laughing at their reactions and doing it again like he’s only joking.

But Taehyun knows what’s really going on. Yeonjun pulls him aside when they finish dance practice, when Taehyun’s sweating and out of breath and lamenting the hours of vocal practice he’s got coming up next - Yeonjun wraps a hand around his bicep and tells him sincerely, low and blunt, that he wants to go again, _I want to kiss you again_.

It would be pressure, if anyone else asked. He’d worry it meant something, that there was a hidden meaning, a deeper proposal, but this is Yeonjun. Of course Yeonjun would want to go again. Taehyun can’t claim to know everything that goes on in the older’s head, but it sounds like Yeonjun doesn’t discriminate on partners, just enjoys kissing (and more). It’s still a little scary, the thought of Yeonjun’s vast experience in close contact, direct contrast with his own, but the glimmer in Yeonjun’s eyes says this will be _fun_.

It’s just fun, for both of them, just like it is with Kai. It’s simple.

Taehyun ends up cutting down the amount of time he spends with Kai purely by accident, as he spends more time with Yeonjun instead.

This is healthier, in a way, Taehyun splitting his time between two partners instead of one. Isn’t it? He’s not so obsessed anymore, not fixated on one thing, not so reliant on Kai. They had kind of withdrawn into their own little world, nothing but each other, but this frees them up again, lets them out. Kai’s been spending time with Soobin again, something the older is obviously pleased with if the way he clutches Kai’s arm as they watch dramas is anything to go by.

They still kiss, of course they do, because Taehyun can’t let anything go. But it’s relaxed, unhurried, no longer desperate to steal every moment they can together. Now it’s whenever they feel like it - wanting to rather than needing to.

And he’s showing Kai new things, now he’s got a teacher himself. He’s learning from Yeonjun, gaining finesse, picking up new techniques that he can pass on to Kai.

Yeonjun shows him how to get a little rougher, apply more force without it getting unpleasant. They’ve started using teeth, too - Taehyun had never considered biting Kai, but he’s found he likes when Yeonjun nips at his mouth between kisses, likes sinking his teeth into Yeonjun’s bottom lip in return. Yeonjun says he likes having his hair pulled, and teaches Taehyun where to grip, how hard to tug, the best timing for it to get Yeonjun gasping into his mouth. Taehyun likes that, too, the noises he can coax out of the older with just his mouth and his hands.

They don’t go any further, though. Just like with Kai, Yeonjun knows to back off when things start to heat up. He’s almost eerily attuned to how Taehyun’s feeling, often calling time before Taehyun’s realized himself just how turned on he is.

He had worried, when he agreed, that this would escalate. That it wouldn’t, couldn’t stay just kissing and would have to lead to sex, or even just - what had the others called it? - third base. Yeonjun regularly, apparently, goes past kissing, and probably enjoys the other stuff a lot more, so why would he be satisfied with the small amount that Taehyun’s offering? Why would he stick at beginner’s level when he’s a full-blown expert?

But it’s safe. Yeonjun’s looking out for him, in a way Taehyun never should have doubted. He never pressures Taehyun into anything, checking and double-checking that Taehyun is okay with whatever he’s proposing, explaining clearly when he’s going to do something new so Taehyun is never startled. Taehyun doesn’t worry about it anymore, knows his hyung won’t ask him for more than he’s willing to give - and if he does, will accept Taehyun’s refusal no questions asked.

It’s on the table, though, in a way it isn’t with Kai. They’re both still fumbling and awkward, way too shy or immature for something that intimate. Neither would dream of trying sex with the other, not yet, but like so many things, it’s different with Yeonjun. Yeonjun’s never said, but Taehyun has a feeling if he asked, Yeonjun would show him, teach him the next steps as easily as he teaches the basics.

It’s a little weird, the thought of going further with Yeonjun. Taehyun cringes whenever he thinks about it, that same reflex that had him looking away from the screen all those weeks ago, not as childish anymore but still very much present. He thought after his first kiss (second, third, tenth), that it would all just flow together, everything would align in his head and he’d find himself eager to try something new, something _more_. Maybe he hasn’t grown up as much as he thought?

But then again, every time Yeonjun flicks his tongue just the right way, hands firm on Taehyun’s hips, the thought of going further grows more and more appealing. When he’s got Yeonjun on his back, underneath him, panting as they pull apart from a long, heady kiss, it seems like something that could happen. And it’s the next step, isn’t it? The natural progression of this?

It’s daunting, incredibly so. But it’s logical.

☆☆☆

Taehyun can’t stop thinking about Yeonjun’s friend, the one he has a thing with. What do they do, together?

There’s so much wrapped up in kissing, so many different aspects, sensations, emotions, never as simple as Taehyun once thought - so what happens after kissing must be much more complex, right? Does it come naturally, sex, or is it something you have to learn? Everyone must be different - he knows that just in kissing he has different preferences to Kai, who has different preferences to Yeonjun - but some of it must be the same. What’s universal, what’s specialized? How well do you have to know the person before you can make it good, for them?

What does Yeonjun like? What does his friend like?

He’s in Yeonjun’s room, on the bed, very late at night. Yeonjun’s lying almost entirely on top of him, propped up by his elbows. He’s heavy, makes it hard to take in a full breath but that seems to make it better, makes Taehyun’s head light as Yeonjun’s talented mouth moves against his. Yeonjun had gone out to see his friend again, the night before, and it’s right at the front of Taehyun’s mind, as it increasingly is these days.

When they pull apart for air, and Yeonjun moves to kiss along Taehyun’s jaw, nose bumping his cheek, Taehyun asks before he can change his mind.

“Your friend, you know, the one you meet,” he says between breaths. Yeonjun hums to show he’s listening, doesn’t lift his mouth from Taehyun’s skin. “What do you… what do you two do? Y’know, together?”

Here, Yeonjun does stop, lifts his head so he can meet Taehyun’s wide eyes. His plush lips stretch into a smile at whatever he sees written on Taehyun’s face, whatever interest, curiosity, desire he’s accidentally projecting.

“Want me to show you?”

Yeonjun’s words strike through him like lightning. It’s physical, pure heat like he’s never really felt before, and his face scrunches in a gasp as his dick twitches. _Come on_ , just with his words? Just the thought of it? It’s not fair.

When he looks, fighting against his furious blush, Yeonjun’s mouth is slack, pupils blown, surprised and a little dumb. Of course, they’re pressed together - did he feel that?

“Wow, that…” Yeonjun starts, frozen on top of him, blinking fast. “That was… do you really…?”

He forces himself to think, through the haze of arousal that’s setting in. He knew Yeonjun would be game, willing to go further, but… there’s the idea, and the reality. The thought of it sounds good, great even, but, still. Taehyun tries not to stutter too much. “I- I don’t…”

“Sorry,” Yeonjun says, immediately. He slides off Taehyun, but doesn’t go far, lying on his side next to him instead, legs still tangled, an arm across his stomach. He presses an apologetic kiss to Taehyun’s burning cheek, then sighs thoughtfully, breath fanning Taehyun’s skin, and tries to answer his question. “We do… this, and then… more.”

“How much more?”

“Depends how we feel. We don’t always have, y’know, full sex. Sometimes we just make out. We usually get each other off, though.”

And Taehyun feels like such a creep for asking, but Yeonjun loves to talk about it, doesn’t he? He can’t help himself.

“How do you…?”

“Hands, mostly. Mouths, when neither of us have a performance or recording the next day.”

Taehyun’s eyebrows shoot up, feeling so, so naive. Is that a thing? A real concern, something to consider? He’d never thought of… that…

But Yeonjun laughs, a little sheepish. He’s blushing too, now. “Just as a precaution, I mean. It’s not always that… uh, vigorous.”

Then he shrugs, lets Taehyun’s mind race. “I don’t know. We just have fun, y’know?”

And Taehyun doesn’t know, not really, but lying there, in his hyung’s bed, with Yeonjun pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses to his neck, his throat, smiling into his skin, he’s thinking he’d want to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> puma i am so turned on

He doesn’t tell Kai about his talk with Yeonjun, not this time. He’s hesitant, not sure what to think, and he doesn’t want to spring the idea on Kai before he’s had a chance to figure it out for himself. Kissing is one thing, everything else is so much more, and Taehyun knows he’s become impulsive lately - and impulsive has been working out for him so far - but this is something he needs to take his time with.

And he doesn’t know how Kai would react to something like that, so he’s wary of mentioning it to the younger, putting the idea in his head. He thinks neither of them are ready, but if he’s miscalculated something, if it seems like a good idea to Kai, then it’s almost sure to get out of hand.

It never escalated with Yeonjun because Yeonjun has such a firm grasp on the situation. He has control, the same level of discipline he has toward his work, the ability to stop no matter what. Neither Kai nor Taehyun have that kind of restraint, he knows. Taehyun is curious, definitely now, but cautious. He wants to test the waters, but feels if he tells Kai what he’s been thinking, they’ll both fall straight in.

So he doesn’t tell Kai, and he doesn’t mention it to Yeonjun again either. He’s already played his hand there, admitted curiosity, showed an embarrassing amount of interest, so Yeonjun knows it’s been on Taehyun’s mind, knows he’s considering it, and he’s sure the older is expecting something. But he’s determined to take his time on this one. He won’t pressure himself into anything, won’t allow anyone else to pressure him either. He’s going to think with his head, like he’s always done before, rather than with his dick.

So things continue. He kisses Kai, he kisses Yeonjun, he thinks about hands and mouths on him, innocent to risky to downright explicit. He works, practices, performs, smiles for the cameras, throws an arm around his members whenever asked, keeping up the fanservice like nothing is going on.

They have some free time one afternoon, so Taehyun’s giving himself a break. He’s stretched out on the couch in their dorm, resting his sore muscles, contemplating giving in and taking a nap, when Beomgyu enters the room too. He’s heading for the kitchen, but when he spots Taehyun on the couch he beelines straight for him instead, mischief playing on his face as he flops down on top of him.

Taehyun remembers a time maybe a month ago when he would have shoved Beomgyu to the floor - a reflex, no hesitation - but now he’s kinda used to people’s warmth and contact, so he wraps his arms around Beomgyu instead and lets him lie there too.

Beomgyu is surprised, overtly so. “Hey, you okay?” he asks as Taehyun’s hand rubs little circles onto his back.

He knows what Beomgyu is really asking, but doesn’t feel like explaining himself.

“Mm. Fine.”

And Beomgyu takes that as a good enough answer - he’s usually one to pry, question, pester until he’s satisfied with whatever he manages to irritate out of them, but he can’t really complain about the outcome of this, can he? Beomgyu shuffles, gets comfortable on top of him, settles in for a cuddle session, and Taehyun finds he really doesn’t mind.

He’s drifting off, honestly, lulled by the soft puffs of Beomgyu’s breath against his neck and the solid weight of him pressing him into the cushions. He’s feeling particularly soft and fluffy, as his head tips to the side, toward Beomgyu, and he doesn’t think twice before closing the gap and pressing a kiss to Beomgyu’s forehead.

Beomgyu giggles, pokes Taehyun’s stomach. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“You kissed me,” he says, smile pressed against Taehyun’s shoulder. He says it again with a teasing little singsong, “You _kissed_ me.”

“No I didn’t.”

Beomgyu wriggles up so their faces are aligned. His eyes are bright, sparkling like they so often are.

“Yes you did. I knew it, you _are_ soft.”

And Beomgyu returns Taehyun’s kiss, pressing his pink lips against Taehyun’s cheek. “Big strong Kang Taehyun, secret softie.”

Taehyun’s always prided himself on his composure, his ability to keep calm no matter the circumstances - not denying emotions, just keeping them under control - but there must be something on his face, something he didn’t quite want to let slip out, because he’s looking at Beomgyu and the lines crinkling by his eyes and the joyous stretch of his lips and his stomach is twisting, _again_ , and he sees the moment Beomgyu reads him like an open book.

He watches as Beomgyu’s smile drops, replaced by something a little surprised, a little confused, and a whole lot interested. Taehyun can’t quite place it, but it makes sense when Beomgyu leans in and kisses his cheek again, and again, and again, then Taehyun moves his head and Beomgyu’s next kiss falls on the corner of his mouth.

Beomgyu pulls back with a soft little _“oh”_ , then Taehyun doesn’t know who moves first but then they’re kissing, Beomgyu’s pink lips sliding against his, easy and comfortable like they’ve done it a million times before. It’s light and fresh, lazy afternoons and warm sunshine, just like Beomgyu. Taehyun thinks he wouldn’t mind doing this forever.

All too soon Beomgyu pulls back, ducks his head instead, giggles into Taehyun’s neck. His ears have turned red, he’s fidgeting in place, feet wiggling against Taehyun’s shin.

“I never kissed a boy before,” Beomgyu says, the words bubbling out, popping on Taehyun’s skin, fizzing through him.

“What made you do it now?”

“I don’t know. You just looked… _y’know_. I wanted to.”

There’s a syrupy feeling washing over him at Beomgyu’s words, warming him up from the inside out. Beomgyu is cute, so cute, so Taehyun grips him a little tighter, holds him a little closer.

Beomgyu takes a moment, hiding his face, letting the nervous energy seep out of him. Then eventually he lifts his head, gaze set and honest in a way that makes Taehyun pay attention (like he could think about anything else right now).

“I heard you and Yeonjun, one time. Last week?” Beomgyu doesn’t hold his gaze for long, instead staring down at the hand he’s got on Taehyun’s stomach, playing with his shirt, scrunching the fabric between his fingers. “You were in his room and the door was a little bit open and I- I didn’t look, but I figured it out, what you were doing.”

Taehyun nods, covers Beomgyu’s restless hand with his own. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he doesn’t need to feel awkward about this - neither of them do. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. It’s not- it doesn’t mean anything, what we do? It’s just fun.”

Beomgyu processes silently, and Taehyun’s prepared to give him time, as much as he needs, but it really doesn’t take any time at all before Beomgyu’s looking up again, mischievous grin back on his face.

“It _is_ fun,” he says, nods decisively, turning his palm over under Taehyun’s so he can lace their fingers together. “Can I kiss you again?”

Of course he can.

And if Taehyun were thinking about anything other than the feeling of Beomgyu’s mouth on his, the cute, pink sugary taste on his tongue - if his mind could focus on anything other than the little breathy moan he gets when he holds Beomgyu’s bottom lip between his teeth, he would be wondering how this keeps happening to him.

☆☆☆

He tells them both, Kai and Yeonjun, together. He sits them down on his bed, door closed and voices low. It’s a little weird, having them both there at once - Taehyun doesn’t know what the two of them have been doing, how they’ve dealt with each other, with everything that’s happened lately. He only knows what they do with him, how they feel about him, and selfishly never thought to ask what _their_ relationship is like, the one between Kai and Yeonjun.

They don’t look awkward next to each other, perfectly content to sit on the bed, thighs touching, gazing up at him with twin pouts, attentive puppy eyes. Have they talked about it? Worked out boundaries, cleared any misunderstandings about the arrangement? Do they talk about him? Compare notes on his performance, his preferences? Have they kissed each other?

Now’s not the time to ask.

“I always wanted to kiss Beomgyu,” Yeonjun says when Taehyun finishes explaining. He sits back, slumping against the wall, lips pursed absently.

Next to him, Kai is buzzing. “Oh man, that’s three out of four then. You gonna kiss everyone?”

Taehyun blinks, shrugs. He hadn’t planned any of this, never thought about kissing any of them in the first place. But things happened, and happened again, and now it would… it would make sense, almost, wouldn’t it? If he carried on and kissed them all?

Kai claps, cackles dorkily, paying no attention to the idea he’s planted in Taehyun’s mind. “See, I _knew_ it was a good idea for us to learn together, Taehyun! This is great!”

Yeonjun frowns as Kai’s words filter in, dragged from his daydream about Beomgyu. He sits up, gaze flicking between Kai and Taehyun, back and forth, eyes sharp and calculating in a way that makes Taehyun’s heart thump, even though he knows it’s not a big deal, now, if Yeonjun knows.

And it’s not exactly what Kai said, he didn’t really reveal anything, but Yeonjun makes a leap and hits the truth anyway.

“Wait, Kai was your first kiss?”

Kai’s mouth drops open, eyes hilariously wide, wowed by Yeonjun’s smarts or sheer guessing ability, and Taehyun couldn’t deny it after that reaction, even if he wanted to. He nods, feeling the blush hitting the tops of his ears, but he’s not as embarrassed as he would have been, all those weeks ago.

Yeonjun claps like he’s high-fiving himself, laughs triumphantly. “I knew it, at dinner, I knew it!” Then he sobers, whiplash-quick, shockingly mature sometimes, and looks at Taehyun with a melancholy-tinged concern. “Hey, you could’ve said, back then, that you’d never kissed anyone. It would have been fine.”

Taehyun shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. That was the past - I mean, I’ve _clearly_ kissed somebody now.” He smiles at Kai, who looks a little abashed at having exposed him, trying to reassure him it’s fine. Because it _is_ fine.

Yeonjun agrees, slumps back on the bed again. His chin bumps against his chest as he speaks. “Hey, you were _good_ then, for a newbie.”

Taehyun’s blush creeps down to his neck and he hides his smile behind his hand. Yeonjun’s told him that so many times now, but he can’t help reacting to the praise.

Kai’s proud, too, sits up straight, shoulders back. “It’s because he had me for a teacher.”

Yeonjun laughs so hard he tips sideways, falling against Kai.

“It’s true!” Kai insists. “I’m a good kisser, so now Taehyunnie’s good too.” He nudges Yeonjun with his elbow, still giggling. “And you’re good, Yeonjun-hyung. And- Beomgyu?”

Taehyun nods. Beomgyu’s good.

“What about Soobin then?” Kai says, and that’s exactly what Taehyun has been wondering too. “I bet Soobin would be nice.”

“Mm, Soobin’s nice,” Yeonjun says absently, and they might not have thought anything of it - Soobin _is_ nice - except then Yeonjun’s eyes widen and his head flies up from Kai’s shoulder, rabbit in headlights. He slipped up.

“You kissed Soobin-hyung?” Kai shrieks, jumping to his feet. Taehyun shushes him, but it does nothing to stop Kai’s strangled wail as Yeonjun just stares up at them, hand clamped over his own mouth, his silence only confirming it.

“You never said,” Taehyun says, softly, thinking back to that dinner, where Taehyun thought everyone had shared everything. He hadn’t questioned how Yeonjun already knew their leader’s dating history, and Soobin hadn’t wanted to talk about it at all. Was this why?

“It’s a secret,” Yeonjun says, voice strained. “Or, supposed to be.”

“Oh my god,” Kai continues, oblivious to Yeonjun’s growing distress, ignoring Taehyun’s hand on his arm. “This is… this is _huge_ , like, a total _scandal!_ What the hell, Yeonjun-hyung, you can’t just- not tell people something like this!”

“It’s not- it’s not mine to tell! It’s _his_ secret,” Yeonjun insists. “Forget I said anything, please.”

But Kai’s an overgrown puppy with a bone, infuriatingly determined. “What did you do?”

“Hey, come on, it’s nothing.”

“But what did you do together?”

And Yeonjun looks pained, physically, at this line of questioning, but he’s always had trouble keeping his mouth shut. “It was back when we’d just debuted, okay, nothing serious. Like this, what we’re doing here.” He gestures between the three of them, desperate for them to understand. “Just, stress relief. And he’s _shy_ about it, seriously. Don’t bring it up. I never said anything.”

He almost had Kai, almost settled him with the explanation, but there’s something else in there that Kai latches onto, makes a chaotic leap just like Yeonjun had earlier, eyes impossibly wider than before.

“ _Stress relief?_ That- wait, did you two..?”

Yeonjun groans, covers his burning face with his hands. “Please, _please_ forget I said anything.”

Taehyun has been quiet, this whole time, letting it all play out without him. It’s not his business, he knows. Soobin has always respected his privacy, it’s the least he can do to respect his in turn. He moves his hand up to Kai’s shoulder, directs him firmly to sit back down again, calm down again.

“We get it, hyung, we won’t say anything,” Taehyun says, and the relief he hears in Yeonjun’s sigh kind of hurts. “But, do you think…”

Yeonjun peers at him through his fingers, mildly concerned by what he’s going to say, but still curious. And that’s been their problem, throughout all of this. Curiosity. And he knows, in some little part of his mind, that he shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t even think about asking, but what Kai had said earlier has already taken root.

He should be better than this, but he’s curious.

“Soobin-hyung, do you think he’d want to-,” Taehyun pauses, shrugs, tries to play it cool when his palms are sweating again, heart beating fast, “maybe, want to kiss me too?”

Kai reacts first, gaze snapping to Yeonjun, excited like Yeonjun’s just promised to grant them five wishes each, no limits. Yeonjun takes a second to react, forehead creasing before he lifts his head from his hands, studies Taehyun stood in front of him. Taehyun can see his whole face now, but it doesn’t help him read the older’s expression. It’s guarded, cautious, almost makes Taehyun want to take his words back. Almost.

“It was a while ago, me and him,” Yeonjun says eventually, slowly, carefully. “He hasn’t… mentioned it since. Hasn’t asked again. I don’t know.”

He’s trying to warn Taehyun off it, Taehyun’s not stupid. He should leave it, be content with what he has. But it kind of feels like… leaving him out. The four of them are all doing something without him - wouldn’t it be fair to invite him too? And Taehyun’s a bit of a completionist, always has been. Now Kai’s suggested kissing them all, completing the set, Taehyun is tragically determined.

Maybe he _is_ a little stupid.

“But he wouldn’t- you don’t think he would, hate me, y’know. If I tried?”

Yeonjun’s lips are downturned, eyes weary, disappointed. Of course, Taehyun didn’t listen. He’s only asked a simple question, but still let him down, somehow. Taehyun wants to kiss the sadness off his face, but that probably wouldn’t help.

“I don’t know, Taehyunnie,” Yeonjun says, exhaustion heavy in his voice. “He might.”

☆☆☆

Taehyun only lasts a few hours before he seeks out Yeonjun again, desperate for more information. He slips into Yeonjun’s room late, very late at night, but he’s sure the older will still be awake because there’s no way either of them could sleep after their chat earlier. As he thought, Yeonjun’s not sleeping - he’s lying in the dark, staring blindly up at the ceiling like Taehyun had been, before he couldn’t stand it anymore and padded barefoot across the hall in search of answers.

Yeonjun looks tired, in more ways than one, but doesn’t send him away. He sits up instead, lets Taehyun crawl onto the bed with him, even though he’d rather Taehyun were here for an entirely different reason.

It will be easier to talk, when they’re alone, without Kai’s exuberance prodding recklessly at something that’s entirely too delicate. Taehyun knows he has more things to say, now he’s had time to think about it, calm down a little, organize his thoughts. And it must be the same, for his hyung. It hasn’t been long enough that Yeonjun is completely ready to have it dragged up again, nor has he completely forgiven the two of them for getting carried away - he still eyes Taehyun warily when the younger settles in front of him, but he’s more willing to answer Taehyun’s questions this time.

He must recognize Taehyun’s determination, his fixation on something that has been carelessly dangled in front of him, his desire to get all the details before making a judgment either way. Yeonjun would probably do the same, if the roles were reversed.

“Soobin’s shy,” Yeonjun says, fingers plucking at his bedsheets. “Romantic, too. He’d take it seriously, what you’re asking. He’d think it was coming from somewhere else.”

Taehyun has his knees pulled up to his chest. He shouldn’t be asking.

“Was it serious with you two?”

Yeonjun looks away, mouth twisting. “It was complicated. It was hard for him, separating feelings. He’s not into casual stuff.”

Taehyun listens, diligently. It’s the absolute least he can do - he’s grateful, so grateful the older is giving him such thoughtful answers, showing him so much he doesn’t have to. He stays calm and listens.

“It was a temporary solution, something he needed. Stress relief, trust, reassurance.” Yeonjun’s almost mumbling, probably feeling vulnerable and raw, and possibly guilty talking about it, exposing both of their emotions so candidly. Taehyun’s feeling the same sort of way, but he doesn’t try to stop the older. “It worked, but it started to mess with him.”

Yeonjun shakes his head, clearing his own thoughts. “He doesn’t like me, not like that, it was… not _fun_ , like us, for him, but… helpful. What he needed, at the time, but he couldn’t keep doing it, y’know? Not without feelings, not without-” He scrunches his hands, grabbing for the right words. “A promise.”

Taehyun understands. Everything that Yeonjun’s saying and trying to say, he gets it. If it’s sure to make their leader uncomfortable, he won’t bring it up. They’re a team, first and foremost, and he’s not going to wreck their dynamic over something as trivial as this, over something as dumb as completing a set.

But he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t exhaust all the options first. He doesn’t have all the details, and even though he’s not entitled to the full story, even though he should stop thinking about it right now, he needs to know. There might still be a chance it could work out. There might still be a chance Soobin could want this.

“What if we tell him everything?” Taehyun says, waiting for eye contact before continuing, then holding it, firm, trying to show his hyung that he’s _serious_. “About me and Kai, then you, and Beomgyu. If we lay out how it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just fun - like, full, explicit, no room for confusion or misunderstanding, tell him what’s going on. Do you think he’d be okay with it?”

Yeonjun sighs. Taehyun knows he’s pushing his luck, asking Yeonjun to consider something he’s not totally on board with. It’s a little sneaky, underhand, asking him to analyze and expose his best friend for no real good reason. He feels bad about it. So why is he still asking? Why can’t he stop?

“If he knows everyone else is doing it…” Yeonjun starts, stops, bites his bottom lip. He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. “He’d...consider doing it too.”

Taehyun tries not to react too much, fighting against the little hopeful spark that just lit up in his chest. “He would?”

“ _Consider_ it,” Yeonjun repeats, gaze hard, unwavering. A warning. “He wouldn’t say yes straight away, that’s not him. But he- I don’t think he’d flat out reject it, either. He always listens to us on other things, always thinks about our suggestions. So yeah, there might be a chance.”

Taehyun can’t stop the smile spreading across his face. He hears that little part of his mind, the sensible, doubting part that used to be so much louder, asking, why does it matter? Why do you want this so much, when you know how dangerous this whole thing is? Why can’t you just leave it alone?

But right now, here in Yeonjun’s bedroom with the older telling him he might be able to get everything he wants, that little part is easy to ignore. _There might be a chance._

Yeonjun isn’t finished. He holds up a hand, like that alone could rein in Taehyun’s racing mind, stop him getting carried away. And it works, at least a little, because Taehyun blinks, instantly focused back on his hyung.

He points at Taehyun, resolute, almost scarily serious.

“But he makes sacrifices, Taehyun. You know that. He does things he doesn’t want to do, for the sake of the group.”

And Taehyun’s chest clenches, ice-cold crystals forming around that hopeful spark. Yeonjun doesn’t look away, makes sure Taehyun’s still paying attention, really listening, before he continues:

“I don’t want this to be one of those things, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't believe i only heard onlyoneof's [angel](https://youtu.be/vVTo8p72FxQ) this morning, why didn't anybody tell me 😩


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this gets heavy angst at the start because i LOVE PAIN (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)

He’s being stupid. Really stupid, and selfish, and disgustingly horny. He slinks out of Yeonjun’s room that night without another word - what could he say? How could he defend himself against that?

He can’t be insulted, affronted, gasp and say _‘I would never do that’_ , because that’s what he was planning, wasn’t it? He was trying to find a way to manipulate his hyung, prying for the best words to say, the right strings to pull to trick him, con him into doing whatever Taehyun wanted. What’s wrong with him? How could he even think about doing that?

 _A chance_ , Yeonjun had said. But a chance isn’t a definite. He was excited about a possibility, and a possibility means either success or failure. Success, Soobin is fine with it and Taehyun gets what he wants - failure, Soobin is burdened with the knowledge that Taehyun wants to kiss him, has been thinking about him that way, and is forced to reject him, then their relationship, both personal and professional, will be strained, stained by his own sick desires.

Or worse, the hidden third option that Yeonjun had laid out, stark and cold, where Soobin doesn’t want to kiss him, but does it anyway. Whenever Taehyun thinks about that one, he thinks he might be sick.

He’d gotten used to it, this weird freedom they’ve adopted around kissing. And the others don’t have a problem with it, making out with him like it’s just another hobby, but maybe it _should_ bother them. Because it’s a big deal, isn’t it? It’s intimate. You don’t go around kissing strangers, do you? When you’re in a relationship, a real one, you don’t kiss anyone else - you’re not allowed to, because kissing means a lot. It’s _serious_ , and Taehyun has been treating it like a game. They all have.

Yeonjun’s suggestion that he could force Soobin into something like that, even accidentally, has him completely rattled. And after he leaves the older’s room, he can’t face heading back to his own room - lying there, listening to Kai’s soft breaths, the maknae peacefully asleep and oblivious to just how toxic Taehyun really is - so he sits on their couch instead, curled up and miserable, with Yeonjun’s words, his own thoughts, vicious and ugly, whirring around his mind, getting twisted and barbed, worse and worse until he can barely breathe.

He doesn’t get any sleep that night, and even when the sun finally rises, peeking in through the blinds, things don’t look any better.

Yeonjun is the first to get up, because of course he is. He stumbles into the main room, looking a little blurry, so he probably got a couple hours sleep, at least. He stops in the doorway, frowns as he sees Taehyun, a tight little ball on the cushions. Taehyun wants to shrink even further at the look that blooms on his face - it’s sad, a little heartbroken even so early in the morning. Taehyun prays it’s the sympathetic kind of sad, that Yeonjun thinks he looks pitiful and chastised and _sorry_. He prays Yeonjun isn’t disappointed in him, anymore. He doesn’t want Yeonjun to be disappointed in him.

“Soobin will be up soon,” Yeonjun tells him, voice raspy. “You should wash up, he’ll be worried if he sees you like this.”

“Hyung,” Taehyun says around the lump in his throat. “I messed up.”

“Huh? Why do you think that?”

Not _‘what did you do?’_ , because Yeonjun already knows. He’s asking for an explanation - he must want Taehyun to confess, lay out his sins before he’ll be forgiven. So Taehyun tells him everything.

“I’ve been really stupid. I’ve been a bad dongsaeng, a terrible friend. I never thought about anyone else, I just did whatever I wanted, and I _used_ you guys, and I could have put a stop to it at any time but I didn’t because I’m selfish and I didn’t care if I was hurting anyone and I’m such- I’m such a _creep_.”

He blinks, and there are hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He made it all night without crying, with the very same painful thoughts churning endlessly around his head, but hearing them out loud is something else. “And I don’t- I don’t want this to be me, but it is, hyung. I really want to kiss you, all of you, but it’s _wrong_ and manipulative, and if it doesn’t mean anything then we shouldn’t be doing it. Because it’s supposed to mean something and I don’t- I can’t-”

And he stops, because even though he’s only just started, barely scratched the surface of everything he’s been thinking, everything that’s wrong with him, he doesn’t think he can get another word out. The rest of it is still there, trapped in his throat, all fighting to come out at once, but he forces it down, takes a deep breath instead. He presses his face into his knees, focuses on the dull pain against his eye sockets, and waits for Yeonjun to tell him he agrees, Taehyun _is_ a creep and a user and he can’t believe Taehyun could have been so insensitive, so _cruel_.

“I’m sorry, Taehyunnie.”

Taehyun freezes, Yeonjun’s words seeming to echo around the room. The ugly voices are shocked into silence.

“I’m so sorry. This is my fault, right? I was too serious, last night. I didn’t mean to scare you - I never want to scare you. Hyung didn’t mean it, okay? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

He hears Yeonjun take a shaky breath, take a cautious step further into the room, toward Taehyun. Taehyun’s head hurts. This isn’t- that’s not what Yeonjun’s supposed to say.

Is it?

“Listen, really listen. You’re not making anyone do anything. Me and Kai, and Beomgyu, we wanted to kiss you. It was entirely our choice, okay? And we still want to kiss you, no matter what you think.” He pauses, steps closer. “But we won’t, if you don’t want to anymore. Just like you would stop if we wanted, right?”

He hears shuffling beside him, Yeonjun dropping to his knees in front of the couch. Taehyun tilts his head, just enough that he can peer out at Yeonjun, see his face so he can try to believe his words.

“But it’s not normal,” Taehyun says, “what we do.”

Yeonjun purses his lips, considers his answer. “There are different kinds of normal. For some people, yeah, kissing means a lot. But for others, it can just be fun. I promise.” And he laughs, gentle and sweet. “I _know_ , remember? I’ve done this a lot. This can be normal. This can be _our_ normal, if you want.”

And that’s not what Taehyun’s been telling himself all night, not at all. This is what he knew before, what he never questioned, what he never should have forgotten. The dark night and his own traitorous mind had twisted all that, confused him, convinced him he was making mistakes, that he was wrong. But he wasn’t wrong. Yeonjun doesn’t think he’s wrong. He’s not wrong.

“You’re allowed to want things, Taehyun. I am so sorry if I made it sound like you can’t. I just… when it came out, about Soobin, I was surprised, and unprepared - I didn’t want to share, so I got defensive, and I made it sound a lot worse than it is.” Yeonjun reaches out, puts a hand on Taehyun’s tense shoulder. “I didn’t want it to be a joke, to you guys, so I made it scary instead. And I shouldn’t have done that, because it isn’t scary.”

He sighs, rubs Taehyun’s shoulder. “I handled it horribly, and I’m really sorry. Hyung is so sorry. I just want you to be careful, around Soobin. But that doesn’t change what we do, what we are, yeah? We’re still good.”

Yeonjun lets out a little _“oof”_ as Taehyun launches himself at him, coiled-up tension finally snapping, arms flung out and around his hyung before he’s fully aware he’s doing it, clinging on tight. He buries his face in Yeonjun’s neck and breathes in his sleep-warmed skin, feels the vile thoughts that had kept him up all night melting away as the older returns the hug, clutching just as hard.

“You think too much,” Yeonjun says, whisper-quiet into his ear. It’s something they say to him all the time, and it’s only now that he realizes how right they are. He really should have listened sooner. He could have saved himself a lot of trouble, prevented a night of self-inflicted torment - and could have saved himself sobbing embarrassingly on Yeonjun’s shoulder in the early morning.

It’s ridiculous. He laughs, wet against Yeonjun’s neck. “I know. I’m sorry, hyung.”

“No, don’t be,” Yeonjun says, automatic but genuine. He squeezes tighter, so hard Taehyun’s ribs ache, but it’s grounding, real. He means it, everything he’s said. “Should we forget about it, then?”

“Yeah,” Taehyun breathes. “Let’s start over.”

There’s nothing wrong with him, with what they’re doing. It’s fine, like it always has been. One instance of misguided intrigue doesn’t invalidate everything - he can be curious, as long as he’s careful. It doesn’t make him a bad person. He was so, so wrong.

But Taehyun was right about one thing - he _is_ stupid. Stupid for doubting that the others cared, that they didn’t want it too, when they’ve been nothing but enthusiastic, supportive every time.

He allows himself a few more moments in Yeonjun’s arms, but the clock is ticking. The others will be waking up any moment. He pulls back, reluctantly, lets Yeonjun wipe at the tears still drying on his face.

And Yeonjun kisses him, then, bold and comfortable, uncaring of the snot pooling on Taehyun’s upper lip or the fact that neither of them have brushed their teeth yet. Yeonjun kisses him like he always does, but Taehyun can feel, he knows there’s something else in this kiss, something he needs right now, this time. There’s emotion here, raw and intense - an apology, reassurance, warmth. And love. Genuine, pure, uncomplicated love. He’s feeling fragile, shattered into a million pieces by Yeonjun’s lips on his, but patched back together in an instant by the very same thing.

It’s okay now. Really, truly. Everything’s going to be okay.

☆☆☆

Yeonjun manages to get him up and into the shower before any of the others see the state he’d worked himself into, and by the time he’s finished he’s not feeling okay, not fully, but he’s feeling better. Brighter.

Kai asks where he was all night, voice low in the van on their way to the day’s schedule. Taehyun didn’t think the younger would notice his absence, but hidden away at the back of the van, Kai slips his hand into Taehyun’s and says, “I wanted to cuddle. I missed you.”

So Taehyun holds his hand and doesn’t let go, all the way out of the van and into the building, ignoring the glances they get from their staff but returning the soft smile he gets from Yeonjun. He holds on to Kai until they absolutely have to separate for hair and make-up, and latches back on as soon as they’re released.

When they’re finally sent home after another long, long day, Taehyun crawls into Kai’s bed, offers himself in place of one of Kai’s plushies, and kisses him lazily, sweetly, until neither of them are awake enough to keep moving their mouths, lips barely touching, just sharing breath. He curls up in Kai’s arms that night and feels a million miles away from the couch, gloomy thoughts all but forgotten.

And things continue, like they always do. Beomgyu asks to kiss him again, one afternoon right after a dress rehearsal for a performance they’re due to record. Taehyun almost has a heart attack, thinking their mics are still on and everyone just heard, but no one around them bats an eyelid. Beomgyu just laughs at his startled expression, grabs his arm and tugs him behind the stage.

They’re barely hidden, only partially obscured by a rail of clothes and the lack of any direct light shining on the corner he’s chosen, but Beomgyu doesn’t care, so neither does Taehyun. The older tangles his fingers in the collar of his sweater and puts his pink lips on Taehyun’s, happy and assured. It’s light, bright, something he missed. Taehyun very much likes kissing Beomgyu, the playfulness of it, the unwavering positivity that seeps into every kiss, the way Beomgyu smiles against his mouth but it never breaks their rhythm.

It’s the perfect distraction, the perfect remedy. It clears his head, any lingering rainclouds chased away by Beomgyu’s soft lips and sweet tongue.

Their lipstick is smudged, licked off by the time they separate, and Taehyun apologizes profusely to their make-up noonas when they get back to the dressing room, blames nerves and says he chewed it off accidentally. Beomgyu just says he _“ate something delicious”_ and grins at Taehyun in the mirror as they reapply it.

He kisses Kai too, that same day, in a bathroom stall like they used to. It’s easy, familiar as he drags the younger in after him, pushes him against the wall, stands up on his tiptoes and captures Kai’s lips with his own. Kai’s hands are warm on his jaw, hot on his waist, and Taehyun melts against him, lets his body fall forward, pressing Kai into the wall, a full-body sigh.

Again, it’s perfect - the taste of him, the feel of him all around, how he moves his mouth exactly the way Taehyun likes, the way they learned together, all those weeks ago. Kai digs his thumb at the corner of Taehyun’s mouth, stretching his lips slightly as he continues to kiss, tongue quick and so talented now, and as Taehyun feels a flash of luscious heat run through him, he finds himself wondering how the hell he could have ever thought this was a bad thing.

He loves this, doing this with Kai, with Beomgyu, with Yeonjun. He never wants to give this up. He knows he’s insanely lucky, to have the life he has, to have the wonderful people he gets to share it with, and he’s so pleased, more than satisfied with what he has, genuinely.

But even so, as they shuffle out of the bathroom together, trying not to look too suspicious, he can’t help but imagine what it would be like, if he could slip into that same stall with Soobin too.

☆☆☆

After a kissing session, Taehyun always tidies himself up. He checks his appearance in a mirror or the camera on his phone, tames his ruffled hair with his fingers, rearranges his misplaced clothes, fans his flushed cheeks. He can’t do much about his swollen lips, but he makes sure they’re clean and dry, at least, and always gives himself a few moments to regain his composure before he’s seen by anyone else. The others do the same - careful to hide any evidence as best they can, trying their hardest to make it look like nothing is going on.

After their talk, after he’d reassured Taehyun that morning and got everything back to normal, Yeonjun starts getting sloppy. It’s always been easier for him to disguise the swelling on his lips when they’re naturally full anyway, but he would care about his hair and his clothes as much as the others would.

Now, though, Yeonjun doesn’t hang around to cool down afterward. He always checks Taehyun’s okay first, never abandons him or anything, but he doesn’t feel the need to wait until his flush fades before heading out again. It’s like he doesn’t care if anyone knows.

And Taehyun supposes there’s logic to it. Taehyun has told Beomgyu about Kai, so now they all know, the four of them involved. He has nothing to hide amongst them, and apparently, with the history between the two oldest, Yeonjun doesn’t have to worry about Soobin knowing either. He can walk around looking as kiss-mussed as he wants, and it’s fine because none of them will be surprised to see it.

It’s risky, though, for the rest of them. It’s fine if Soobin knows Yeonjun has been kissing someone, but eventually he’s bound to question exactly _who_ he’s been kissing - and when Yeonjun has come straight from the bedrooms, there aren’t that many candidates to pick from.

Still, Taehyun climbs off Yeonjun’s lap one evening, when the kiss draws to a natural close, both of them pleasantly warm but not overwhelmed, and Yeonjun helps him lie down on the bed, opens the window to let in a breeze, and after Taehyun assures him he’s good, he kisses his cheek one more time and heads straight out, leaving the door open a crack. Taehyun’s lying there, practicing deep breathing to try and get his heart rate down, and he hears Yeonjun greeting Soobin out in the kitchen, just seconds later, casual as ever. And Taehyun knows what Yeonjun looks like right now, can picture the fluff of his hair after Taehyun’s run his fingers through it, the lightly-blissed gloss over his eyes, the deep red red of his plush lips, and wonders what Soobin must think, seeing that.

Another day, Yeonjun encourages Taehyun to leave a mark low on his collarbone, gets him to lick and suck and bite until color blooms on his skin. (And Taehyun had liked that, leaving a mark on Yeonjun.)

 _“Where no one will see it,”_ Yeonjun had said, then he wears a low-cut shirt around the dorm the next day, oversized and slouchy so it almost falls off one shoulder, and Taehyun’s bite is right there, purple and stark against his pale skin. Taehyun catches Soobin looking, more than once, and the idea grows on him that this must be Yeonjun’s plan.

He doesn’t know all the details, but he sees the pink blush spread across their leader’s cheeks when Yeonjun smiles at him, and he thinks it might be working.

☆☆☆

“I told him, about last night,” Yeonjun reveals, after he ambushes Taehyun on the way back from the bathroom and pulls him into his bedroom.

(“I thought you didn’t want us telling Soobin anything, hyung.”

“I didn’t want _you guys_ telling him anything. _I_ tell him all sorts of stuff.”)

Last night, Yeonjun had received another text from his _friend_ and went out for the evening, and the others had tried to watch a movie but Taehyun felt they were all distracted, hyperaware of exactly where Yeonjun had gone off to and what he was likely to be doing. Then Yeonjun had come home, late enough that the kids were all in their rooms and he’d found only Soobin still up, working on something on his laptop, and he’d sat down right next to him on the couch, pulled out his earbuds, and told him all about what he’d just done.

Yeonjun gives Taehyun the crib notes, barely a vague summary of all the details he’d apparently shared with Soobin - how he’d snuck into his friend’s dorm when their roommate wasn’t there, how his friend always struggles with keeping the volume down when they’re together so he’d had to find a way to keep them quiet. He lifts up his shirt so Taehyun can see the bites littering his hips, the little purple trophies he’d earned, but that’s as much as Taehyun gets. His imagination will have to suffice for the rest.

Soobin, however, apparently got the full deal, blow-by-blow.

“I got super graphic,” Yeonjun laughs, letting Taehyun press his fingertips to the bruises.

“What did he do?”

“Listened. I thought he was gonna tell me to shut up any minute, but he let me tell him everything. Even asked a few questions.”

Taehyun takes Yeonjun’s hand, plays with his fingers as Yeonjun talks, a dreamy sort of look on his face. Taehyun’s got a good feeling about this.

“He wasn’t grossed out, or like, super uncomfortable. He-” Yeonjun pauses, bites back a smile. He’s blushing. “He seemed kinda interested? Like, _that_ way?”

And this is Yeonjun’s plan. He didn’t trust Taehyun or any of the others to do it - and Taehyun agrees, they wouldn’t have been able to do it with the delicacy it deserves - but he’s been working his own game with their leader, conspicuous but passive, carefully accidental.

They’ve been talking, the four of them, and it turns out they’ve all been feeling guilty about having a secret. None of them want to exclude Soobin, keep something this big from him, but they understand it’s probably for his own good. They’ll protect him, above all.

But Yeonjun, older, more informed, closer to the situation than the lot of them, had found a safe way to bring it up. Looking tousled and enticing around the dorms, flirting more both on and off camera - he’s been gradually introducing the idea, of him and Soobin, making Soobin think about kissing him again. He’s been warming Soobin up to it, gauging interest.

And it looks like it’s working. If Soobin doesn’t turn Yeonjun away now, if he’s willing to have fun with Yeonjun again, then maybe there’s a chance for the rest of them. And Taehyun’s been excited about a chance before, wrongfully so, but this time it’s Yeonjun’s leading the charge, telling Taehyun it’s okay to get excited now. It’s realer than it’s ever been.

Still, Taehyun keeps his composure. “Might’ve just been because of you, hyung,” he says, ever practical. And Taehyun won’t mind, if Soobin only wants Yeonjun after all. As long as they don’t have to keep it a secret anymore, Taehyun finds he’s fine with however it plays out.

“Yeah,” Yeonjun says, rubbing his neck, but his smile is wide and dumb, giddy. Taehyun’s spent enough time with his oldest hyung now, he knows Yeonjun wants this a lot more than he lets on. He hopes it works out, for them at least. “Yeah, maybe.”

☆☆☆

In hindsight, this was bound to happen, one way or another.

He’s kissing Kai, settled in his lap on his bed, running his hands through his hair, and there’s a knock on the door. They’re a little slow to react, but it turns out there was no way they could react fast enough because Soobin knocks on the door, then opens it straight away.

Taehyun can’t really blame him - they all do it, desensitized to the notion of privacy by now. Normally the worst they could see by barging in is one of them getting changed, and even then that’s nothing they haven’t all seen a million times before.

So he opens the door, and Taehyun and Kai have just enough time to stop the kiss, but not enough time to separate, so Taehyun is still perched on Kai’s lap, arms around his shoulders, Kai’s hands are still on the small of his back, pushing up his shirt, the two of them far too close to be entirely platonic.

“Uh,” Soobin says, eloquently.

“Hi, hyung.” It’s Kai, who manages to speak - Taehyun can’t seem to breathe.

“Hi. Uh, manager-nim’s thinking of ordering food for us to have after practice today, are you guys okay with chicken?” Soobin’s gaze is carefully rigid, locked up at their eyes and nowhere else.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“You want Sprite too?”

“Yes please, hyung.”

“Okay.”

And he closes the door without another word. They’re both still frozen on the bed, hearts beating loud in their ears.

“Shit,” Taehyun says, finally.

“You think he noticed?”

“Yes _of course_ he noticed, what the hell!” Taehyun says, slapping at Kai’s chest. Kai just shrugs.

“He seemed okay with it then.”

“He didn’t seem _anything_ with it,” Taehyun groans, sinking his face into his hands. “He had zero reaction, we’ve got no idea what he’s thinking right now.”

Kai’s arms are still around him, hands big and warm, and he slides them up, under Taehyun’s shirt, to rub at his back. “You wanted Soobin-hyung to know though, didn’t you?” he asks, voice soft, soothing.

“No. Well, yeah, but not like this. We were supposed to be careful.”

Kai hums, considering Taehyun’s muffled complaint. “We were careful,” he nods. “I mean, we didn’t plan this, so it’s cool. It’s not our fault. These things happen.”

Taehyun flumps forward, knocking the breath out of Kai as he drops them both down to the bed.

“How are you so calm about this?” he asks. He can feel Kai’s heart pounding against his, but the younger is almost infuriatingly chill, considering what just happened, what Soobin may have just found out.

Kai giggles, strained under Taehyun’s weight. “I know, right? It’s weird.”

“We have to talk to him, don’t we? Explain it now, before he gets the wrong idea.”

“No, isn’t that what Yeonjun said not to do?” Kai’s wheezing a little, so Taehyun takes pity on him and rolls off, stares up at the ceiling and thinks fondly back on that time, two minutes ago, when this problem didn’t exist.

“We can’t bring it up,” Kai continues, “‘cause that’s forcing him into talking about it, isn’t it?”

Taehyun sighs. “It is.”

“So… we wait for him to come to us.”

Kai’s idea itches, a little. Taehyun already feels restless, wanting to sort everything out with the solution he has - just communication, plain and simple - but he thinks Kai might be right, on this one.

“If he’s curious, he’ll ask.”

Doing nothing, then. Sounds like a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> onewe's [end of spring](https://youtu.be/MLqorz9OvEs)?? um yes please??


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my idiot ass couldn't get this to 20,000 words rip what a world ✌️😩

Soobin doesn’t mention it.

Taehyun is expecting something when they finally leave their room to head to dance practice, after almost an hour of agonizing over their accidental encounter. He’s coming up with the worst-case scenarios, all the things Soobin could do or say to them after seeing them together, like that, and Kai is laughing at him every time he shares one of his predictions out loud because _“this is Soobin-hyung, there’s no way he’d do that.”_

But Taehyun’s imagining the confrontation anyway, how Soobin will demand answers and let Taehyun know just how stupid he’s been, and how he’ll struggle to explain himself and make everything much worse than it is, and he’s trying to be positive, honestly, but he can’t come up with a situation that doesn’t end with him throwing himself at Soobin’s feet and begging for forgiveness.

So he’s on edge, when they step into the hall and can see Soobin waiting by the front door. Beomgyu’s on the floor tugging his shoes on, and Soobin’s watching with a strange sort of intensity, like he’s supervising, ready to jump in if Beomgyu ties a lace wrong. Taehyun knows that expression on their leader, knows that means he’s got something else weighing on his mind (and Taehyun knows what that something is, of course - he’s stupid, but he’s not an idiot.)

Soobin looks up at them as they approach, and Taehyun is expecting so, so much, after listening to his runaway mind for the better part of an hour, but Soobin looks up and his expression is neutral. He doesn’t look upset, concerned, uncomfortable or anything, just… normal. He waves them over, tells them to hurry up like he always does.

Yeonjun’s stood next to him, ready and waiting, laces correctly tied and backpack slung over his shoulder, and he smirks as he sees them, a sort of snide little smile that he hides immediately, looking away right after. Taehyun doesn’t know what to make of that reaction.

The practice is similarly strange. Soobin is set on acting like nothing happened, apparently, getting on with the work, but Taehyun’s finding it so hard to pretend, when he has to make an effort to act normal. He’s self-conscious of every interaction he has - not just with Soobin, but with the others too. Like, if he puts his hand on Beomgyu’s shoulder, what is that saying? Will Soobin think it means something, will he figure out that Taehyun’s kissing him too? Is it flirting if he smiles at Kai? Is Soobin looking at them differently, after seeing what he saw? Does he think Taehyun and Kai are together, dating? Has their team dynamic changed, at all? Is it weird?

Even Kai is shying away from Soobin - Kai, who didn’t think anything was wrong, hasn’t clung to their leader once all day, keeping a wary distance instead.

Taehyun’s worried, to put it simply. He was ready (or as ready as he’d ever be) for a conversation, an opportunity to clear the air even though it makes his chest hurt to think about it. But ignoring it is even worse, a special kind of torture. He wants to get it resolved, but Soobin apparently doesn’t, not yet, and it’s driving Taehyun crazy. Taehyun can’t figure out what it means, that Soobin doesn’t want to talk, but he guesses it can’t be good.

So Taehyun and Kai are walking on eggshells, Soobin’s steadfastly acting like nothing happened, and Beomgyu’s just generally in high spirits, if not a little confused at the atmosphere. Yeonjun’s been acting normal toward the others too, effortlessly so, but he must have noticed the mental struggle Taehyun’s inflicting on himself because the older seems to be looking out for him, more so than usual. He wriggles into Taehyun’s line of sight every time he spots the corners of Taehyun’s mouth twisting, waving or smiling or flashing some aegyo to distract him, and when they stop for a five-minute break he’s straight over at Taehyun’s side, putting his arms around him and pulling him in for a hug.

Taehyun wants to protest - they’re practicing, everyone can see, what the hell, hyung - but he can’t deny, it helps. Yeonjun must know something that Taehyun doesn’t, have some sort of insight or wisdom or secret information, a _reason_ why he’s not worried that he’s not sharing with Taehyun. Or maybe Yeonjun knows absolutely nothing, but is so attuned to Taehyun that he can sense whenever Taehyun’s getting lost inside his own head.

Whatever it is, Yeonjun seems to believe that nothing’s wrong, that everything’s going to be alright - and he’s been right about that kind of thing before. Taehyun hugs him back and tries to make himself believe it too.

☆☆☆

A few days later, they still haven’t talked, but things are seemingly back to normal. Kai’s been sticking to Soobin again, their leader completely unbothered by the closeness, but Taehyun’s still a little cautious. He hasn’t been given any reason to be cautious - Soobin still looks after him, nags at him to eat or sleep or take a break, cracks jokes and includes him in everything - but there’s still that part of him that won’t let him rest until he has closure on their whole situation.

And Soobin doesn’t hesitate to touch him either. Taehyun’s still having trouble initiating that casual contact with Soobin, but the older reaches out to fix Taehyun’s hair, stands close to help him attach his mic, throws his arm around his shoulders so easily it’s making Taehyun feel bad. He’s being a little pathetic, isn’t he? So Soobin saw him and Kai, what does it matter? If he had a problem with it, he would have said by now. He’s being considerate, not bringing it up, not wanting to get involved in something that isn’t his business.

And Soobin’s always done that, hasn’t he? Respected Taehyun’s privacy. And he’s not treating him different, he’s not upset about it - there’s nothing to worry about, really. Soobin doesn’t mind.

It’s after a fansign, when Taehyun finally manages to convince himself of this. Taehyun always loves fansigns, loves meeting their fans and getting to play around with his members to make them happy, loves getting the little gifts because they mean so much, no matter how simple they are. He loves being able to show the fans his appreciation, sincerely, for all their support.

He’s seated next to Soobin this time, and Soobin is at the top of his game - smiling at the fans, unwaveringly polite and friendly and so interested in them, engaged with everything they have to say. And he always says yes when they ask for a picture or an aegyo display, and because Taehyun’s right next to him, he finds himself frequently pulled in to help with fanservice.

And a few days ago, almost a week now, Taehyun wouldn’t have been able to function properly with the close contact, would have frozen solid if Soobin leaned his head against Taehyun’s like this as they make a giant heart together, scared of messing up or exposing himself, terrified the fans would be able to tell something was up. But today, it’s absolutely fine. He still feels a little tight in his chest as Soobin’s arm comes around him, tugs him in closer, presses their cheeks together too, but it doesn’t make him want to stop, or run away. It doesn’t take the smile off his face.

Soobin adjusts the cat ears on Taehyun’s head afterward, careful and downright loving, and tells him he looks good, _so cute_. It’s all into the microphone, so Taehyun’s instinct is to not take it to heart, but there’s sincerity in his voice, the same kind he has speaking to the fans, and that wouldn’t exist if he were upset, couldn’t exist if he’d decided he hated Taehyun, could it?

It’s when it’s over, though, when Soobin pulls them into a group hug backstage and tells them they all did so well, looking at each of them in turn, and there are no cameras, no lies, nothing fake, just genuine pride and warmth sparkling in his eyes when he looks at them, when he looks at Taehyun - it’s then, that Taehyun understands. He knows. There’s no way Soobin hates him, no way. Everything is fine, back to normal, like it always was.

☆☆☆

The next day, dance practice is called off early - Yeonjun’s been a little stiff all day, limping a little ( _“just a pulled muscle, don’t worry”_ ), so their choreographer takes pity on all of them and sends them back to the dorm.

They have some free time, so Taehyun’s got Beomgyu underneath him, giggling as Taehyun nips at his neck, and neither of them mind as Yeonjun lets himself into Taehyun’s room too, clicking the door shut behind him.

“Don’t you two look sweet?” he says, coming to stand by the side of the bed. Taehyun feels that little swell of pride he always gets whenever Yeonjun gives him a compliment like that. He sits up, back on his heels over Beomgyu’s legs and doesn’t feel the need to hide his smile as he looks up at Yeonjun.

“No, please, don’t stop on my account,” Yeonjun says, waving a hand at the pair of them - and Taehyun doesn’t mind that idea, putting on a bit of a show. Still grinning, he turns back to Beomgyu, to see what he thinks, but the other has his gaze fixed on Yeonjun.

“Hyung, can I kiss you?” Beomgyu asks, no preamble.

Taehyun’s mouth drops open before he has a chance to be cool about it, and he whips his head back to Yeonjun to find him looking exactly the same way, expression mirrored. Beomgyu’s looking back and forth between the two of them - asking them _both_ for permission, Taehyun realizes with a hot flutter low in his stomach. _Beomgyu and Yeonjun…_ that sounds like an even better idea.

Yeonjun seems to agree. “Yeah, yeah, if you want.”

“I want,” Beomgyu says, and Taehyun climbs off his legs so Beomgyu can get up, Yeonjun almost comically frozen in place as the younger approaches. Then Beomgyu reaches up, cups Yeonjun’s face and kisses him like there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing.

And Taehyun watches, and doesn’t feel uncomfortable. Far from it. His eyes are glued to the pillowy softness of their lips as they press together, the flashes of tongue when Beomgyu tilts his head to deepen the kiss. They look good together. Taehyun can’t look away.

There’s heat thrumming through him, warming him gently as he watches his two hyungs. And he hasn’t really thought about this, the arousal side of it, hasn’t thought about acting on this feeling in a while. Not since his overnight breakdown, when he’d thought everything they were doing was inappropriate, wrong, not something he could want. He’s fine with it now, clearly - he knows kissing is fun, absolutely loves it, but he’s still hesitant about the rest. The idea that sex is serious had lingered, lurked in the back of his mind, and he’d stopped thinking about taking that next step, stopped considering it.

But it’s creeping back to the forefront, now, as he watches his hyungs, sees how they’re willing to experiment, try something new with each other. He’s feeling oddly safe, protected with them, and so, so turned on. He’d be able to experiment too, definitely if he wanted. And it would be fine.

He feels the barrier starting to crumble, all sorts of ideas leaking through, but not yet. He’s not ready yet. For now, he just wants to watch.

Beomgyu shifts slightly, and it must bring their bodies closer together because then Yeonjun makes a noise, like he choked on his own moan, vaguely startled. It looks like a reflex when his hands come down to rest on Beomgyu’s ass, pulling him closer (and Taehyun doesn’t mind watching that, either).

But Beomgyu must be embarrassed or ticklish or _something_ , because he breaks the kiss with a noise halfway between a moan and a laugh, slips his arms around Yeonjun’s shoulders instead and giggles into his ear. Yeonjun hooks his chin over Beomgyu’s shoulder, meets Taehyun’s wide-eyed gaze - he looks dazed, kiss-dumb like he sometimes gets after he teaches Taehyun a new technique and the younger picks it up much faster than he expects.

He’s still got his hands on Beomgyu’s ass - Beomgyu wiggles slightly, before he speaks, all breathy bubbles like before.

“Hyung, you’re the second boy I’ve ever kissed.”

He says it because he knows it will make Yeonjun’s brain short circuit. As expected, Yeonjun blinks, swallows about three times before he can make his mouth work.

“Thank you,” he says, finally. “Did you like it?”

Beomgyu pulls back, smile brilliant. “I loved it, hyung.”

Then he twists to look over his shoulder, at Taehyun still kneeling on the bed, gazing up at them, starry-eyed.

“Did it look good, Taehyunnie? You like it too?”

Taehyun absolutely did, very much. He nods, dumb and enthusiastic, not quite trusting his brain to string a coherent sentence together. Beomgyu laughs, throwing his head back, entirely too joyful at apparently having just broken two of his members, and starts untangling himself from Yeonjun.

(Taehyun watches Yeonjun’s hands linger as long as possible, dragging along the younger’s hips as he steps back, reluctant to let go.)

“I promised to play video games with Kai and Soobin tonight,” Beomgyu says, already halfway to the door, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’ll see you guys later.”

And there’s silence after Beomgyu leaves, a few beats of hazy nothing, before Yeonjun shakes his head. “Wow, that was- he’s something.”

Taehyun laughs, the sound spilling out of him so effortlessly. He feels warm, filled with light. “You alright, hyung?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Yeonjun nods, coming back to his senses. He turns to Taehyun, mouth in a little ‘o’ as he remembers what he’s doing in Taehyun’s room. “I came here to tell you something, actually.”

Then he tells Taehyun about Soobin. Turns out, Soobin hadn’t said anything to Taehyun or Kai, but he had said something to Yeonjun. He brought it up with the oldest the very same day, headed for him straight after leaving their bedroom, and Yeonjun had told him everything.

“I figured he was ready,” Yeonjun shrugs. “And it’s not like I could have denied anything, after he saw you two with his own eyes.”

And Soobin listened to the explanation, everything the four of them had been doing, calm and thoughtful as ever, and at the end he had simply nodded, and said he needed to think. So Yeonjun let him, gave him as much space as he needed to work things out, and carried on as normal in the meantime. Then Soobin had come back, a few nights later, to Yeonjun’s room, and long story short…

“We- I mean, he and I, we-” Yeonjun stops, runs a hand through his hair, laughing softly at himself. The blush is strong on his cheeks. “Why am I so shy about it? We had sex.”

Taehyun has an idea of why Yeonjun is shy about it, but decides the older should figure it out for himself.

“You did?” he says instead. “So he was, okay, with it?”

Yeonjun nods, biting his lip to stop himself grinning like a maniac. Soobin had said he understands, as best he can, what it’s like for Yeonjun - how it can be fun, messing around. He hadn’t known before how to separate it from something deeper, but watching the others, once he knew about them, and seeing how they’re still happy, still a perfect team, nothing messy or ugly or jealous hidden below the surface, he thinks he gets it now.

“And he’s thinking about it,” Yeonjun says, “joining in.”

And Taehyun didn’t think he could feel any better, any brighter, but Yeonjun’s words light a fire, a white-hot star burning in his chest. He can’t believe it.

“When he’s ready,” Yeonjun says, unable to hold his grin back anymore. Taehyun feels exactly the same way. “When he’s ready, he’ll let us know.”

“But you- you think he _will_ be ready? Sometime?”

“Yeah, I think so. Just wait, yeah? A little bit longer.”

And Taehyun would wait as long as it takes, as long as Soobin needs. He’ll wait for his hyung.

☆☆☆

In the end, he doesn’t have to wait much longer, not at all.

They’ve just finished dinner, huddled around on the floor, laughing and joking just like old times. Taehyun’s cheeks hurt from smiling, and he knows the others are feeling just as good.

Then when everything’s cleaned away afterward, Soobin touches Taehyun’s arm and asks if they can talk. Butterflies in his stomach, Taehyun follows him down the hall, into his and Beomgyu’s bedroom.

When the door’s closed, Soobin leans back against it, head ducked bashfully. He’s biting at his lip and peering through his lashes at Taehyun - he’s not usually shy about talking to Taehyun, can give him orders, praise, criticisms no problem. But this is different, something else. Taehyun knows what this is.

“Yeonjun told me, everything,” Soobin says, voice breathy but even. “About you, and the others.”

Taehyun holds his gaze, tries to look confident, collected as he nods.

Soobin smiles, sweet and tight-lipped, like he’s trying not to. “You’ve been busy, huh?”

“It just happened, hyung. And… kept happening.” Taehyun’s hands are shaking.

“And now?”

Taehyun nods, heart thumping. “I’d like it to keep happening, still. If that’s okay with you, hyung.”

And Soobin smiles, for real. “Yeah, that’s okay. I think I’d like that too.”

Then he steps forward, closes the gap between them like it never existed, and Taehyun tilts his head up and Soobin leans down and then they’re kissing, smooth and gentle. Taehyun’s eyes slip closed, heart full, overflowing, lays his hands on Soobin’s chest to feel his heart beating too, and melts into the sensation, the heavenly feeling of Soobin’s soft mouth on his.

It feels like the first time, an age ago, when Kai had straddled his lap in their dark bedroom and pressed their lips together, shy and unsure, but good, undeniably good. It feels like this is where Taehyun has been heading, this whole time - it feels like he’s arrived. Taehyun has come so far, since then, since that stumbling first kiss. He’s grown so much, learned so much - not just about kissing, but about everything. He knows himself better now, feels stronger, self-assured in a way he never knew he wasn’t before.

He’s not mature yet, not fully. He’s not ready for more, more than this, but he’s happy. Happy with what he has, where he is, who he is. It feels like everything Taehyun’s been waiting for.

Soobin kisses him, sweet and pure and _right_ , and it tastes a little like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> round of applause for taehyun, he done did it 
> 
> also applause for you guys, thank you so so much for taking the time to read my story 💖
> 
> & extra big thanks to everyone who has left kudos or comments, i appreciate them all so much 🥺🥺

**Author's Note:**

> i’m real precious about this story, please be nice to my baby 💖
> 
> [cc!](https://curiouscat.me/heondreds) ⋆｡ﾟ.*･☆━⊂(◕-◕´∩) questions, comments, send me anything


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